BenEx Reentry

It is hard to believe that I have been home from the Benedictine Experience for nearly two weeks. I just looked at the BenEx Blog that Matt set up. Check it out to see some wonderful photos of the place and the community.

I continue to work on paintings that the week inspired, but the images are illusive--there still may be too much in process.

Most of the poetry that I wrote during that week was written around the psalm of each day. It is a way to incorporate the voice of the psalmist into the rhythm and concerns of my own life.

Psalm 18

It’s interesting how an abstract concept such as God,--
something so grand and beyond my comprehension
can at times, be so personal and close.
I love you, O Lord my strength,
O Lord my stronghold, my crag, and my haven

It’s not as if I don’t struggle with this concept,
or never question it,
but it very often it feels like a given to me, especially when faced with problems or challenges.
My God, my rock in whom I put my trust,
my shield, the horn of my salvation, and my refuge:

Yet, the truth of the matter is that a good part of the time,
probably most of the time, now that I am getting honest about this,
I am a bit cavalier about my faith,
until of course, I run into difficulties and feel that I need some help.
I will call upon the Lord,
and so shall I be saved from my enemies.

In fact, I am glad to know that in addition to being a mighty warrior and advocate, my God is one of forgiveness and compassion,
for I tend to take this eternal, Divine love for granted.
That is, until I run into problems that I feel unequipped to handle---
like most recently, hurtful betrayal by people I should have been able to trust.
The breakers of death rolled over me,
and the torrents of oblivion made me afraid.

It’s at times like that, when I feel beleaguered and vulnerable, and life seems unfair, that God seems most real.
I realize that there is a paradox in this.
Some people regard injustice and adversity as proof that there is no God
and I can understand their point of view.
But I don’t see it this way.
Even though there have been times when I have felt like
a helpless pawn in a game that had become fierce and ugly,
and I don’t know what to do or how to respond.
The cords of hell entangled me,
and the snares of death were set for me.

Yet at these times, when things seemed about as bad as they could be,
I knew in my deepest being, that it wasn’t the whole story.
I knew that there was something bigger and more powerful
than the hurt that I thought would consume me.
I called upon the Lord in my distress
and cried out to my God for help.

And in those moments of feeling most alone,
I came to know that I wasn’t.
And that the me who was caught up in the drama-
from my perspective the star and heroine of the tragedy-
simply wasn’t that important.
Something much bigger was, and is.
He heard my voice from his heavenly dwelling
my cry of anguish came to his ears.

There is a great relief in this.
St. Benedict expresses it as true humility, seeing oneself as the least of all.
And when I am able to do this,
or more precisely, get to the point where I’ve run out of other options,
something changes.
He reached down from on high and grasped me;
he drew me out of the great waters.

I still don’t understand how this works,
but time and time again I have learned that it does.
It defies logic.
He delivered me from my strong enemies
and from those who hated me;
for they were too mighty for me.

It’s as if I am able to become an observer,
and God is sitting there in the bleachers, watching with me.
After a bit of time,
I can actually begin to enjoy the show,
and occasionally find some humor in it,
which eventually leads to compassion.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster;
but the Lord was my support.

Then it almost doesn’t matter what happens,
for I know that I am not alone.
And there is a great comfort and security in knowing this,
even though I’ll very likely forget it until the next crisis hits
and I start all over again.
he brought me out into an open place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Bishop’s Ranch
July 9, 2009